Sexuality 3 From attraction to intimacy and the problem of boundaries
From attraction to intimacy
When a person reaches the teenage, he experiences a strong attraction
for people of the other sex. This is natural and has the important task to push
him towards relationship. Usually this attraction is strongly
"erotic". The person feels the desire of seeing, touching etc. ... At
the beginning the attraction is generic (for all girls), but little by little
it gets oriented towards one of them which more than the others fulfills what
he unconsciously feels he lacks. At this stage he is fully into eros. Usually
he is afraid to talk to her for fear of being rejected or made fun of. This
first stage is called attraction.
When we have the courage to talk to the girl, we start discovering even
more things which are attractive. Furthermore we discover that she is
available, she somehow likes me. At this point the emotions go full speed,
while the intelligence seems unable to work. The girl is seen as whole perfect,
she becomes the centre of all our thoughts, nobody can be compared to her. We
feel the need to be always with her, talk to her, share everything with her.
This stage is commonly called “falling in love” or “infatuation”.
At this point it is important to start using the brain
in order to reduce the imagination and bring it near to reality. It is also
important that we develop other kind of friendship, not much as competition,
but in order to test the reality of our feelings.
People who are not able to open their life to more friendships are in
danger of depression. If anything wrong happens in their relationship, they
have nowhere else to refer to for strength and support. That is why the suicide
rate among teenagers is very high. This is also the reason for the high number
of youth who elope (lovers who run away from home). Most of the cases of
eloping, end up in misery. Why? too many emotions and no brain.
When, instead, we are able to use the brain, to face the reality, to
lower the expectations, then the other person becomes more normal, more real.
Like anyone else, she has good points, but also some weaknesses. Now we can get
into the stage called friendship.
This is an important moment, because here we can build the reality of
life. We can put foundations which can
stay forever, we are able to enjoy the good moments, as well as to accept and
fight the difficulties. Friendship is an important and necessary stage of life.
Even here it is important that we are open also to other people so to have
references and support.
The relationship or friendship with the people around us is always of
different kinds, since no one is the same. So it is natural that one friendship
be particularly strong and somehow more fulfilling than the others. With this
particular person we can establish a particular relationship which we call Intimacy. Intimacy means a special
relationship in which we can share the intimate or most secret parts of our
life. Typical of intimacy is the fact that we feel safe, trusted by that
person, understood, happy. With him they would share things which we would not
say to anyone else. He or she is the first person to whom we would go for help.
Intimacy is very important especially in the moment of choices for life.
Intimacy does not mean that there are no problems and everything goes
well, but it means that love is stronger than the problems, forgiveness is
stronger than the mistakes, and the difficulties become instruments of growth
rather than obstacles.
The problem of boundaries
In all we have said, comes clear that the more a relationship becomes
strong, the more the desire of union will be strong and finally stronger will
be also the desire of sexual relationship. Two questions come out:
1- If friendship is so dangerous, then is it a good idea to have friends
of the opposite sex?
2- Can a man have an intimate friend who is a woman? Of course husband
and wife should reach the point to be real intimate friends, but the question
remains for the unmarried people like priests and nuns.
Intimacy is good and important but needs two things:
1- The two people must be mature. It is not enough that one is mature
and the other is not.
2- We must have clear boundaries, which means, clear limits which we
must not cross. We must know clearly where we can and where we cannot go.
Here are some useful suggestions.
1- Be truthful to yourself. Ask yourself often: “What do I really want
in this relationship”?
2- Control the time. How many times do I speak to her, and for how long?
Usually once in a week is enough; half an hour is enough.
3- Control the places and the timings of the meetings. Choose open,
visible, obvious places and avoid night meetings. (No personal rooms, secret
places, cinemas alone, meetings which go on till late at night, etc.)
4- Check if this friendship makes you stronger or weaker in your
vocation, in your apostolate, in your community life.
5- I should not be afraid that people know that she is my friend.
6- When I realize that something is not going well, I must have the
courage to talk openly with my spiritual director.
7- If, by mistake, anything happens, go and talk to the spiritual
director and to the confessor and follow whatever they tell you.
8- Avoid as much as possible unnecessary physical contacts like hugging,
walking hand in hand, caresses, kisses, etc.